Like really? I confess.. I'm a 4-year-old in disguise.

It's weird. The Bearded Woodsman can soooooo withstand without doing the deed for an inordinate amount of time. I mean, he does use this f*ed up predicament to his advantage.


So like, if I haven't finished a project or met some milestone he tells me I can't have it... (i.e. him)... Yes, apparently I'm 4 and had to go back to the basics with pleasure, work, and reward. If I do my work, I get my reward. Finally something that is motivating to me. That only took ..umm... a decade! But really, even when I am ready and do my work and finally get the gratifying fix of knowing he can't tell me 'no' there's literally no appropriate time to shag.

There's the morning rush, the workday schedules, the friends in and out of the house, the mom/dad I'm hungry, not to mention a lack of privacy all together of having kids running around. Like when was the last time your 10 year-old-knocked on a door? There's really only one place that makes sense ... the bathroom.... which only makes sense in adult-world because their mirrors and water to run and no messy clean up ... but yea, the bathroom is out of the question because mine is not only reDICKulously small but, also it would just be weird when the kids ask why him and I are in the bathroom. I mean, it's not like we're not married ...or like kids even remember what it was like when we were married ... to .. eh hem... different people. This is all new to me.

Close Quarters Leaves No Room for Nookie

The thing of it is.... when you're a divorced 30-something, have two kids, live with your mom, have a niece staying in your house for the summer, and you're in that super fun part of a relationship where you just want to get it on all-the-time ...living in close quarters makes life difficult.

As of today sex is more or less to be scheduled. [..and for the record, I'm not a 'schedule my mood' kind of girl.] The reality is there's no good place or time to have intimacy laced rendezvous with this new dude. Like wtf!

Between his four kids and mine, work schedules, friends coming over, sleepovers, my niece, my mom, and dinner time - someone is always home. Like OMG?! What event took place to even make all these children?! Do I even remember?! ...And now there's no time to play pretend make more??
Like Really?!! Is this my reality right now?!!
Yes... Life... Intolerably Cruel.

Adding insult to injury, despite having a boytoy to succumb to my sexual desires, these days I'm super frustrated. It's the same frustration I had right before I went AWOL with my bedroom acrobatic life.

See, a year ago I decided to get off the sex rollercoaster. 
I became celibate after my last would-be boyfriend who was less boy and more friend. I couldn't handle amazing sex followed by insane sex deprivation two-weeks later because he wasn't available, I was on my period, or we'd both met someone else. Then we'd get back together. Then instant replay the whole debacle again. [For the record, what kind of man doesn't have sex when a girl is on her period? That's just complete and utter bullsh*t.]

That time in my life was an extremely hormonal up and down life. I couldn't handle it so I cut it off. No more. I didn't want him. I didn't want anyone. I just wanted my life back to some baseline of normal without the constant hysteria.

Celibacy became my grand stand against my own humanity to get what I wanted out of life, to stay hormonally balanced, and to find love that fits.
Yea... apparently life had other plans.

Somehow I ended up with (...drumroll...) The Bearded Woodsman.
It happened about two months after a one-night sexcapade with Mr. 28-year-old who is a wild hot story I'll save for another day. Mr. 28-year-old probably did seemingly help me in the grand scheme of things even though I was insanely frustrated there wasn't round two. Just wanted to do him. He was like a Greek statue chiseled to perfection. But, he did end up fixing part of me. [i.e. The part that gets lost in emotion because a woman's sex drive is craving intimacy but not getting it.]

A very profound highlight of a woman's sexual chemical make-up is that once she gets it (...you know, the D*)... it's game-on. No need for romantic fantasies. A switch gets flipped and it is like the song, "Let's get physical" stuck on repeat.  It's kinda funny how that works. You see, the second after a woman who has been fiening gets what she wants, she can readily tell just about any man to take a hike. Meaning there has to be something else, something more than sex worth hanging on to. This is pretty much how The Bearded Woodsman and I ended up here. Because what lacks with others I found in him.

Even so, the relationship between him and I has been its own emotional rollercoaster of acceptance, denial, compassion, anger, excitement, love, and a struggle against a single-girl's need to stay free and single while hoping to have some kind of grounding and consistency somewhere in life. And as much as I absolutely adore him, I am seriously frustrated that now that I found something worth hanging on to I still can't have what I want - sex on demand to level me out!

Somedays I think he's more girl and I'm more guy.
In sum, he just doesn't put out enough.
He's so controlled. Disciplined. I envy that.
Me, I'm more get what I want or spend an inordinate amount of time denying myself what I want only to backtrack and beg for it after it's gone. True-Story!

The fun part is The Bearded Woodsman makes me work for what's underneath the beastly hairy mess of him. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. But, it's all for good reason. He'll say things like, "nope, not until your book is done," .. subsequently my book gets done less than a week later.... or he'll say, "no touchy the beard(ed guy) until you make that appointment you were talking about yesterday," ... and suddenly something that took me a week happens in less than a minute.
He's probably the kind of support I've always needed. Except when it's not.

So, here I am in a relationship of which the entire point of being in one was to fix the sex deprivation problem along with being with someone worth talking to both before and after sex. Instead I find I'm back in the same boat as I was before this all started.  The boat is called, 'No F*ckey F*ckey Till You Move Outie Outie.' Because in the story of my life, I'm continuously mixed up with men who don't have their own place while I don't have mine.

Is this happening to me because I'm in my mid-30s? Is this what sexual peak feels like? Cause I thought I had some time to spare here. This FRUSTRATION is an entirely different frustration than anything I've experienced before. I'm losing my f*ing mind with it! Men want to know what's wrong with their girlfriends/wives/sidechick? Well.. this is it!!

It's like I want to be lovey but can't be lovey with him which makes me bitchy because I can't have what I want (i.e. sex), and then I have to turn around and apologize for being bitchy which was only on account of wanting to have sex but not being able to which makes me want to have make-up sex but I can't so I have to turn all lovey again to make up for the bitchy leaving me incredibly frustrated for the cycle to start all over again.

Worse is that it feels like I'm the only one! I can't be the only chick out there experiencing this! Someone please tell me I'm not alone!

It's one thing to be on the prowl looking for someone worth connecting with to give you the emotional and/or sexual satisfaction when you need a fix.  But, it's quite another feeling when that person is right in front of you and there's like an alarm system on their pelvic region alerting an entire house that 'mommy/daddy' wants to get some. Enter CB1/2/3/4/5/6/7... Children, pets, and mom no longer have names. They are all generically named 'C*ck Blocker' with their assigned number following. [Your welcome family. : P Love you all! Mean it! I so totally do!]

-I*V

"He Smells Like Curry"

Now that I've found myself settling into (dare I say) a committed relationship...
     (...I know... it hurts me a little to say that too however, if anyone deserves the committed part in my book of players and playboys .. it'd be him. Little by little he's definitely moved his way to MVP in this phase of my life ...)  I've tuned into listening to my besties talk about their dating lives more and offering what I know about the birds and the bees. I'd love to say I'm not an expert but, I am. :) It's just me.
       I know what it's like to be single. I know what it's like to wait until you find what you're looking for or play around long enough to have fun with what you know you don't want. I know what it's like to go on date after date wishing some of the frogs you kiss could offer more than just great kisses and steak dinners...or terrible kisses for that matter....
      I also know what it's like to muddle through dating because you're bored, dating because you're on a 4-week cycle, dating because you're heartbroken, and dating because you truly desire to connect.
      I know exactly what it takes to let someone in, push someone out, and lean into someone until you find it oddly fits your life in ways you never expected. It's life. More so, it's my area of experience.
      The mental games we play with ourselves and with others can be so subtle and unintentional. We call it a game but most often we don't even know we're playing it because it's not so much a game as it is human nature. So is self-sabotage.
      It's my position everyone should get what they want in life, love, & happiness and live a balanced fulfilling and purposeful life. So why do we spend so much time pushing love away? Locking people out? And making excuses on why people don't fit based on variables that can easily be changed?


      When it comes to romance, the inability for women to be objective about dating and mating because they're envisioning romantic movies and fireworks on first dates is killing it for a lot of really great people. Setting expectations for dates and the way they are supposed to go is hurting our psyches and our chances for love.    
     So, when our date shows up in a Geo Metro instead of the Tesla we envisioned it kinda kills the vibe. But, what happens when he shows up in a Tesla but smells like curry? Well, we'd have to ask my friend Valerie because that's what happened to her yesterday.
       She had a fabulous time, went to a lavish early-evening dinner at a renowned posh restaurant followed by a coffee date because their time together was filled with excitement and smiles. She enjoyed his little kisses and the conversation but... he smelled ... and apparently tried to eat her face with the kiss goodnight. Instant buzz kill. 

(Yes, I heard all about it when she called at 9am this morning! Ironically I wanted to call her too and find out all the juicy details! What a bummer!)

    Something Valeria and I have in common is there's no shortage of men for girls like us. We're fun, beautiful from the inside out, and full of life. She has her career shit together, I'm working on mine. We're confident and approachable. We're the kind of chickies who enjoy enjoying life. We make life fun for our friends and family. Our standards in men seem to be different and that's good because we're two different people with different experiences and different needs. Generally speaking however, she's fallen victim to the bullsh*t.
   
   I understand her and her wants. She wants the guy who has it all. She wouldn't mind building something with someone and being beside him as he climbs his way to success but feels it would be easier to take the short road and have him already made. Why? Because like me, she is in her mid-thirties with children and is still hopeful for the utopian dreams of a family and finding some crazy version of happily-ever-after. Her lowest standard is about $60k with a stable position. I'd love to say that's materialistic but it's reality. No one wants to downgrade their children's lifestyles. It feels wrong. Time is ticking and living uncomfortably struggling everyday to survive is really not her cup a tea. Who can blame her. Certainly not me. Men who come with success and money tend to make it easier. The issue is when they smell like curry and kiss bad who can get passed it?

     The thing is it's never that simple. She's subconsciously waiting for this other guy she's emotionally attached to hoping he will (eventually) commit to her meanwhile finding all the reasons why it won't work with every eligible suitor along the way.
   It's interesting to me how easy it is to fall for the wrong guy. You know, the one that treats you like dirt but you'll be oddly committed to for the long-haul even though you try your damndest not to be. The one that feels like you won something because they are such significant a*holes that all of society feels they are incapable of love. (The truth is, in the end you do win something.. you win a life-long commitment to an a*hole and being treated like dirt! There's the lucky prize!)
     After what feels like at least 16 conversations about her moving on and just riding that horse until she finds an upgraded stallion to hop onto to fill her sexual appetite and desire for intimacy, she finally was asked out by a well-positioned man who smells of success, ambition, family ... and apparently curry ...    

    I had the pleasure of running into this man while they were on their date. He didn't smell. He was great! Sexy. It was impromptu and completely coincidental (even though I don't truly believe in coincidences). He is amazingly personable, introduced himself, wasn't shy and acted as if he were a long-time friend. I liked that in what should have felt like one of the most uncomfortable situations ever he handled his own, made me laugh, and kept the party going without the weirdness knowing full-well he was being judged by Valerie's best friend.
    I suppose the real question is how hard would it be to just say, "Hey, I'm really into you but, I'm not into Indian food so much and the curry scent doesn't vibe with me. Think we could work on that?" or how about, "Hey dude, can we try something different with this kiss? Like maybe less eat my face and more romantic?" Or, better and real-life answer, "Can we try something different with this kissing and let me lead for a bit this time?"

   Kissing is so teachable. And so are smells. Trust me. Bearded Woodsman once smelled like an alcoholic homeless man. But, that's what you get on a Sunday afternoon while he's mowing your lawn after waking up in your bed. : ) And that's just sexy! The point is, I'm getting what I want and it wasn't easy. Adapting and change and learning one another takes effort and conversation.

  Valerie has been actively dating for a few years and in those same years I've been actively dating waiting for someone who never came back around and having fun with my minions in the meantime. So, I feel for her.. and want to help. I found something meaningful along the way and I'm utterly convinced she can to if she simply opens up the conversation instead of nit-picking things that can easily be taught or corrected.

   So, while I ended up with a Bearded Woodsman who as of today smells like cedar and pine and Eucalyptus from his new beard oil that arrived in the mail a few days ago, she ended up on a date with Mr. Tesla Curry who may smell like Indian food but also has everything she's stated she's looking for. He's an ambitious CEO, makes the money she desires of an eligible suitor, has a family heritage she desires, and is in-tune emotionally with her needs. What more could a girl want? Perhaps a Christmas Tree air-freshener? Some Tumeric scented bath to join in the fun? A bottle of cologne to cover the scent?

    I have to wonder why he smelled like curry but perhaps even though he's Indian, he had good reason. Maybe Mr. Tesla Curry went to visit his mother who was cooking a new dish all just to ask advice on what to do and not do on this date because he wanted to make a great impression? For the love... I mean, this man waited 2-years to ask her out! I think she should stop subconsciously waiting for an emotionally unavailable a*hole and instead talk to it through by going on a second date with this dude. I liked him. Not for the long-haul but because she was smiley and happy when she was with him. It was nice to see Valerie smiling instead of being in constant turmoil and conflict over some guy who is an emotional rollercoaster of toxic mess (who she happens to have great sex with).

     Dating can be frustrating for everyone involved however, perhaps we all owe it to ourselves to be honest with one another and communicate?
    Maybe Mr. Tesla Curry didn't like that she's already tall and was wearing heels making him even shorter? Maybe he didn't like her scent of perfume because his mom uses the same Bath & Body Works scent? One never knows...
 
      Perhaps she could casually ask, "Hey, I noticed you smelled like Curry on our first date. Do you cook a lot?" Use it as an opener... not a closer. Just my thoughts. XoXo - I*V