A 6-pack & Magnums

I'm not sure a 6-pack and Magnums go together... unless you're a guy...

Why?  Mostly because the Magnums I'm talking about are the most sensational delectable triple chocolate layered ice cream bars ever made that causes every taste bud in your mouth to explode one by one.  It's orgasmic really.  I'd even go so far as to say, it's an orgasm for your mouth.  With that in mind, I can't decide if I want to be intoxicated and let go or be immersed in chick flicks. Can a girl have both?  The answer is 'yes' however, I've never heard of a Yuengling float although I'm tempted to try it right about now.

Opposites attract and my own impatience is beginning to frustrate me.  Why is sitting and waiting so hard.  How hard is it to breathe in and breathe out and just be?  For me...it's right up there with climbing Mount Olympus, running in a 5k, or more like asking a 5 year old on Christmas morning to sit and stare at the presents under the tree without unwrapping them... indefinitely.

Operation: Alternate Ending is now on ending two;

which is not ending one where everything turns to disaster but rather, the ending that is like a hopeful glimmer of hope followed by, "...really?! Did that just happen? Maybe we need to rewind and try again."

Yes, only in the story of my life do men, real men, get showered with affection and all they say they wanted only to run away.  The good news is they always come back.  And hopefully unlike in my previous experience with Superhero Bluegene Jones who is at bay for the moment in the land of far far far away, at least this time I will be stable, prepared, and mentally ready for rejection and complicated messes of relationships.  

Mr. Maybe decided to take a hiatus from my love and stepped away the past week to sort it all out. In fairness he probably needed another week. However, I'm me and I'm sure I helped him in that "sorting it all out" decision when he waited about 30 minutes past my threshold of patience to respond to a text I'd sent 4 hours earlier - yesterday!

So, I did what I always do. I spent all week reeling him back in only to turn around and push him off the plank (by accident) because I grew tired of the uncertainty in knowing how long he was going to deprive me of our little love story we had going on.  Why do I do that?  Who knows. I'm impatient and frankly, I'm simply over it.  I'll call this little game that wasn't a game but infuriating to me 'catch and release.'

I don't think people should rush love however, I also don't think a girl like me who has so much to offer a man should get the cold shoulder when she's been working to overcome her own life's trials and upsets while making a place for someone new and treating him as a king in her court in the process.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect (although I admit I'm close ;) and we did have a few trial and error boundary setting moments however, I think a small smidgen or glimmer of hope is adequate in relationships for the other person to know it's all gonna be okay. 

In this case, just as in all the others, I'm the one giving that hope. What happens when ideas of confidence and security in a relationship are not returned..like at all?  Well, you get this girl.  And it's not because I think he doesn't like me... it's because I'm ready for the fun parts of a relationship.... you know, the emotional intimacy mixed with going out and living it up, then bringing the high life back down a notch and cooking dinners, hanging with the kids, and then snuggling on the couch some nights mixed with weekends and getaways of marathon sex.  Come on already!  Is that really so much to ask for?! .... Sigh...

For the first time in a long time I turned down men's unsolicited but ever adventurous advances and did so without hesitation. There wasn't a second thought or a political answer to keep an open door just in case I need to get my fix. And I didn't do it because I am working on maintaining a "good girl" status with bad girl undertones, but because I knew what I had waiting for me at home. At least I thought I did. I loved having him there. It was like this perfect mix of having our cake and eating it too. It was what should have been complicated of two broken hearts made super simple.

I seemed to actually truly be enjoying solitary confinement (err.. monogamy). It seems I also liked playing house. CHEESE! :)

So, while tipsy I texted Mr. Maybe... Horray!  Why?  Because we all know who you text while drunk is who you really want to be with anyway. And I had absolutely positively zero desire, want, or care to text Blue. This tells me instinctively I'm so totally beyond over and not even remotely interested in reliving any version of that saga. In the story of my life, after three years of pining for a man to come back and rescue me this is breakthrough numero uno.  But the real breakthrough is that I decided to take a real chance. And in doing so that I learned I liked him enough for him to not only wear the label boyfriend but to care enough for him to irritate me in the capacity of being a true boyfriend... which is good.  (Wow!  Commitment and Real?!  This is almost too much to handle!...) and also why I think it is somewhat necessary to leave it alone now. 

I'm so utterly aware how reDICKulous this all is and that my impatience and how my untimely need for affection led to a 6pk (which I still have yet to decide on) and Magnums (that are still basking in the freezer while I sort this mess out in my head). 

Why do I even like him so much? I don't really know either but, he gets me and I feel like I get him. And I dig that. He's so much fun to talk to... hours and hours of chatter.  I love that too. I can just be me around him. No expectation.  Real.  I've been waiting for real... even if it is so I can take real and twist it and make it fantastical and amazing and wrap it in everything that makes life fun.. the fantasy, the euphoria, the family, the building of something new...  He irritates the f* out of me! We all have our issues.  

Just as in any relationship, there are things we want and need from one another because we are incredibly opposite. Completely Yin Yang.  The things I want are the things he needs to step away from (like old school party). There are things he needs, like help climbing out of his mess and getting his sh*t together he's not ready for.  I'm pretty sure the last thing in the world he needs is to be wrapped in my fantasy world with dreams of Vegas and ruling the world while he's trying to build a foundation and piece his life back together. Living the high life doesn't mix well with foundation building ... and it all takes time. The same time that seemed to outgrow my patience because I want now, and he needs NOT right now...

If we strip it all away, the truth is I just wanted a little attention...One phone call at the end of the week wouldn't have killed him.  I spent three years lost in Blue's text messages and emails.  I just can't do it anymore.  I deserve what is REAL.  All this girl needs is an ounce of AUTHENTIC attention.  We can tell when men are faking..and finally I broke down and called Mr. Maybe (with whatever excuse I felt I had) and there it was - the fakeness s in his voice and the small talk about work.  Like Whatever! Just tell me WTF already!

Yep, I'm an attention whore when it comes to him and I'm okay with that. Attention from him is like 8 million times better, more fun, and exciting than the dozens of other suitors hoping to be my boyfriends stand in stunt double (at least for a night or two).  And I know why he's running away and I get it.  But he's made things up in his head and tries to stay away because he knows the second he sees me his walls will come crumbling to the ground. So, he wins. I fold.  Even though I know he wants to see me, he's too busy playing Macho Man so, I will go right back to playing Ice Princess.

At this point, being on the fritz i could easily just start a new game i made up called "duck duck goosing for men" where I go through my phone and all the random contact pictures of penises forlorn and say, "duck" "duck" "duck"  "oh! Oh!  This one!!! I choose this one!!!...GOOOOOOSE!!!!!"  But I confess, there are no penis pics in my phone... classy sassy fun girls don't put up with that nonsense.  I'd be lying if i didn't mention I've had more than a few men send some my way but, this isn't about sex... it was simply about affirmation.  Just wanted to see my boyfriend.  It would have been nice if he had wanted to see me too (or at least said it out loud instead of being hesitant, cold, and distant).  Pisces - emotional messes.

New game: Go fish! 

Guess it's time to go fishing for a new playmate....

Will bring the bait: 6 packs & Magnums... 

Because all men seem to think they are qualified for the biggest size Twinkie in the box!

(Originally Published August 2014)