There's something about being in love or caught up in someone else. The rush, the adrenaline. Love truly is blind. I think when you go from being so low to so incredibly high, it makes it more difficult to step outside yourself and find balance. I was larger than life when I was high in thoughts of Blue..
What did I really want from him anyway? Blue is everything in the business world I ever thought I'd be and never became.. I resent that. I resent seeing people so successful after I ended up giving my life, my youth, and what should have been foundational years for ladder climbing to someone less deserving... to my real-life ex-husband.
Why does it feel like I was larger than life when I was married to an abusive man? A man that made me ask for tampons and told me "no." A man that told me things were impossible and somehow, my prayers and my pleas to God always came through.
How was I so powerful and strong then in my faith and in my being and in everything I knew to be true but yet, I was living the greatest lie of being in a loving marriage? Of loving myself. Of loving God.
.... Now I am here. Knocked from my throne. Now that the challenge and threat and pressure isn't on me, I don't feel the drive I once had. Do I need the abuse to keep going? Because right now I just want to fall asleep? I don't feel that insane go-go-go crisis management mode I was stuck in for years.
I admit
I know deep down that I am amazing. Wonderful. Beautiful. Intelligent. But I am seemingly so far away from my faith in knowing (or believing) life turns out the way I expect it to. Why do I doubt all that I know I am? Perhaps it's because I am exhausted.
I resent that I gave all my energy and time to an ex who suffocated my being. Now here I am still picking up the fragmented pieces of my soul (two years after leaving) figuring out what to do next to build my empire (while sustaining a life for me and the kids in the meantime).
It's not as easy as it seems... You'd think I'd be put back together by now. You'd think I could find a kickass job and call it a day. But no. That's not how it happens. Especially after 10 years out of the workforce and very little experience to begin with.
I certainly have my days where I lose faith. Today is one of those days I'm struggling to keep it while the tank is running on empty.
... hold the phone ...
Just now I get a phone call from a gal I've been waiting to hear from.
We are starting a new chapter of a very successful Professional Women's Network and will will both serve as the Chapter's board members -- her and I --a dynamic duo! Horray! This is unexpected news I desperately needed!In talking with her, she said something and a light turned on. A STEP! She just reminded me of a step, a very important step, that I can take in my life. The step is to get connected. It is a step that is difficult for everyone else but, for me has always been my strong point.
I think today is a good day to acknowledge for a girl who prayed less than an hour ago for help, that help came and perhaps Divinity is still listening to the temper-tantrums this little Italian girl likes to throw. (Hey, if Divinity didn't want a girl with moxy, He wouldn't have created me half Sicilian/ half Italian with NY heritage in the bloodlines!)
When will I realize just because I grow weary does not mean I'm lost. Or that just because my Ex has the kids for the day and I miss them, it does not mean I have nothing to gain today.
When will I start to see that I pray and God sends angles my way?
Lots of men gone right and men gone wrong in the last four days. All stories for another day.
Today I just want to exist... to cleanse myself of the sabotaging thoughts holding me back from true success in my life. I need to refocus in an effort to create my own happiness. I am in charge of creating my happiness. It's no one else's responsibility but mine. I'm in charge of my happily-ever-after. You're in charge of yours
Perhaps a day at the beach relaxing and taking a day off from world-domination will do!
Lots of meditating places (and eye-candy) there.
Here's to losing faith, remembering to break, learning to breath, and pressing reset!
Cheers!
- I*V
(Originally posted 4/19/2014)
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