Close Quarters Leaves No Room for Nookie

The thing of it is.... when you're a divorced 30-something, have two kids, live with your mom, have a niece staying in your house for the summer, and you're in that super fun part of a relationship where you just want to get it on all-the-time ...living in close quarters makes life difficult.

As of today sex is more or less to be scheduled. [..and for the record, I'm not a 'schedule my mood' kind of girl.] The reality is there's no good place or time to have intimacy laced rendezvous with this new dude. Like wtf!

Between his four kids and mine, work schedules, friends coming over, sleepovers, my niece, my mom, and dinner time - someone is always home. Like OMG?! What event took place to even make all these children?! Do I even remember?! ...And now there's no time to play pretend make more??
Like Really?!! Is this my reality right now?!!
Yes... Life... Intolerably Cruel.

Adding insult to injury, despite having a boytoy to succumb to my sexual desires, these days I'm super frustrated. It's the same frustration I had right before I went AWOL with my bedroom acrobatic life.

See, a year ago I decided to get off the sex rollercoaster. 
I became celibate after my last would-be boyfriend who was less boy and more friend. I couldn't handle amazing sex followed by insane sex deprivation two-weeks later because he wasn't available, I was on my period, or we'd both met someone else. Then we'd get back together. Then instant replay the whole debacle again. [For the record, what kind of man doesn't have sex when a girl is on her period? That's just complete and utter bullsh*t.]

That time in my life was an extremely hormonal up and down life. I couldn't handle it so I cut it off. No more. I didn't want him. I didn't want anyone. I just wanted my life back to some baseline of normal without the constant hysteria.

Celibacy became my grand stand against my own humanity to get what I wanted out of life, to stay hormonally balanced, and to find love that fits.
Yea... apparently life had other plans.

Somehow I ended up with (...drumroll...) The Bearded Woodsman.
It happened about two months after a one-night sexcapade with Mr. 28-year-old who is a wild hot story I'll save for another day. Mr. 28-year-old probably did seemingly help me in the grand scheme of things even though I was insanely frustrated there wasn't round two. Just wanted to do him. He was like a Greek statue chiseled to perfection. But, he did end up fixing part of me. [i.e. The part that gets lost in emotion because a woman's sex drive is craving intimacy but not getting it.]

A very profound highlight of a woman's sexual chemical make-up is that once she gets it (...you know, the D*)... it's game-on. No need for romantic fantasies. A switch gets flipped and it is like the song, "Let's get physical" stuck on repeat.  It's kinda funny how that works. You see, the second after a woman who has been fiening gets what she wants, she can readily tell just about any man to take a hike. Meaning there has to be something else, something more than sex worth hanging on to. This is pretty much how The Bearded Woodsman and I ended up here. Because what lacks with others I found in him.

Even so, the relationship between him and I has been its own emotional rollercoaster of acceptance, denial, compassion, anger, excitement, love, and a struggle against a single-girl's need to stay free and single while hoping to have some kind of grounding and consistency somewhere in life. And as much as I absolutely adore him, I am seriously frustrated that now that I found something worth hanging on to I still can't have what I want - sex on demand to level me out!

Somedays I think he's more girl and I'm more guy.
In sum, he just doesn't put out enough.
He's so controlled. Disciplined. I envy that.
Me, I'm more get what I want or spend an inordinate amount of time denying myself what I want only to backtrack and beg for it after it's gone. True-Story!

The fun part is The Bearded Woodsman makes me work for what's underneath the beastly hairy mess of him. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes I don't. But, it's all for good reason. He'll say things like, "nope, not until your book is done," .. subsequently my book gets done less than a week later.... or he'll say, "no touchy the beard(ed guy) until you make that appointment you were talking about yesterday," ... and suddenly something that took me a week happens in less than a minute.
He's probably the kind of support I've always needed. Except when it's not.

So, here I am in a relationship of which the entire point of being in one was to fix the sex deprivation problem along with being with someone worth talking to both before and after sex. Instead I find I'm back in the same boat as I was before this all started.  The boat is called, 'No F*ckey F*ckey Till You Move Outie Outie.' Because in the story of my life, I'm continuously mixed up with men who don't have their own place while I don't have mine.

Is this happening to me because I'm in my mid-30s? Is this what sexual peak feels like? Cause I thought I had some time to spare here. This FRUSTRATION is an entirely different frustration than anything I've experienced before. I'm losing my f*ing mind with it! Men want to know what's wrong with their girlfriends/wives/sidechick? Well.. this is it!!

It's like I want to be lovey but can't be lovey with him which makes me bitchy because I can't have what I want (i.e. sex), and then I have to turn around and apologize for being bitchy which was only on account of wanting to have sex but not being able to which makes me want to have make-up sex but I can't so I have to turn all lovey again to make up for the bitchy leaving me incredibly frustrated for the cycle to start all over again.

Worse is that it feels like I'm the only one! I can't be the only chick out there experiencing this! Someone please tell me I'm not alone!

It's one thing to be on the prowl looking for someone worth connecting with to give you the emotional and/or sexual satisfaction when you need a fix.  But, it's quite another feeling when that person is right in front of you and there's like an alarm system on their pelvic region alerting an entire house that 'mommy/daddy' wants to get some. Enter CB1/2/3/4/5/6/7... Children, pets, and mom no longer have names. They are all generically named 'C*ck Blocker' with their assigned number following. [Your welcome family. : P Love you all! Mean it! I so totally do!]

-I*V