(...I know... it hurts me a little to say that too however, if anyone deserves the committed part in my book of players and playboys .. it'd be him. Little by little he's definitely moved his way to MVP in this phase of my life ...) I've tuned into listening to my besties talk about their dating lives more and offering what I know about the birds and the bees. I'd love to say I'm not an expert but, I am. :) It's just me.
I know what it's like to be single. I know what it's like to wait until you find what you're looking for or play around long enough to have fun with what you know you don't want. I know what it's like to go on date after date wishing some of the frogs you kiss could offer more than just great kisses and steak dinners...or terrible kisses for that matter....
I also know what it's like to muddle through dating because you're bored, dating because you're on a 4-week cycle, dating because you're heartbroken, and dating because you truly desire to connect.
I know exactly what it takes to let someone in, push someone out, and lean into someone until you find it oddly fits your life in ways you never expected. It's life. More so, it's my area of experience.
The mental games we play with ourselves and with others can be so subtle and unintentional. We call it a game but most often we don't even know we're playing it because it's not so much a game as it is human nature. So is self-sabotage.
It's my position everyone should get what they want in life, love, & happiness and live a balanced fulfilling and purposeful life. So why do we spend so much time pushing love away? Locking people out? And making excuses on why people don't fit based on variables that can easily be changed?
When it comes to romance, the inability for women to be objective about dating and mating because they're envisioning romantic movies and fireworks on first dates is killing it for a lot of really great people. Setting expectations for dates and the way they are supposed to go is hurting our psyches and our chances for love.
So, when our date shows up in a Geo Metro instead of the Tesla we envisioned it kinda kills the vibe. But, what happens when he shows up in a Tesla but smells like curry? Well, we'd have to ask my friend Valerie because that's what happened to her yesterday.
She had a fabulous time, went to a lavish early-evening dinner at a renowned posh restaurant followed by a coffee date because their time together was filled with excitement and smiles. She enjoyed his little kisses and the conversation but... he smelled ... and apparently tried to eat her face with the kiss goodnight. Instant buzz kill.
(Yes, I heard all about it when she called at 9am this morning! Ironically I wanted to call her too and find out all the juicy details! What a bummer!)
Something Valeria and I have in common is there's no shortage of men for girls like us. We're fun, beautiful from the inside out, and full of life. She has her career shit together, I'm working on mine. We're confident and approachable. We're the kind of chickies who enjoy enjoying life. We make life fun for our friends and family. Our standards in men seem to be different and that's good because we're two different people with different experiences and different needs. Generally speaking however, she's fallen victim to the bullsh*t.
I understand her and her wants. She wants the guy who has it all. She wouldn't mind building something with someone and being beside him as he climbs his way to success but feels it would be easier to take the short road and have him already made. Why? Because like me, she is in her mid-thirties with children and is still hopeful for the utopian dreams of a family and finding some crazy version of happily-ever-after. Her lowest standard is about $60k with a stable position. I'd love to say that's materialistic but it's reality. No one wants to downgrade their children's lifestyles. It feels wrong. Time is ticking and living uncomfortably struggling everyday to survive is really not her cup a tea. Who can blame her. Certainly not me. Men who come with success and money tend to make it easier. The issue is when they smell like curry and kiss bad who can get passed it?
The thing is it's never that simple. She's subconsciously waiting for this other guy she's emotionally attached to hoping he will (eventually) commit to her meanwhile finding all the reasons why it won't work with every eligible suitor along the way.
It's interesting to me how easy it is to fall for the wrong guy. You know, the one that treats you like dirt but you'll be oddly committed to for the long-haul even though you try your damndest not to be. The one that feels like you won something because they are such significant a*holes that all of society feels they are incapable of love. (The truth is, in the end you do win something.. you win a life-long commitment to an a*hole and being treated like dirt! There's the lucky prize!)
After what feels like at least 16 conversations about her moving on and just riding that horse until she finds an upgraded stallion to hop onto to fill her sexual appetite and desire for intimacy, she finally was asked out by a well-positioned man who smells of success, ambition, family ... and apparently curry ...
I had the pleasure of running into this man while they were on their date. He didn't smell. He was great! Sexy. It was impromptu and completely coincidental (even though I don't truly believe in coincidences). He is amazingly personable, introduced himself, wasn't shy and acted as if he were a long-time friend. I liked that in what should have felt like one of the most uncomfortable situations ever he handled his own, made me laugh, and kept the party going without the weirdness knowing full-well he was being judged by Valerie's best friend.
I suppose the real question is how hard would it be to just say, "Hey, I'm really into you but, I'm not into Indian food so much and the curry scent doesn't vibe with me. Think we could work on that?" or how about, "Hey dude, can we try something different with this kiss? Like maybe less eat my face and more romantic?" Or, better and real-life answer, "Can we try something different with this kissing and let me lead for a bit this time?"
Kissing is so teachable. And so are smells. Trust me. Bearded Woodsman once smelled like an alcoholic homeless man. But, that's what you get on a Sunday afternoon while he's mowing your lawn after waking up in your bed. : ) And that's just sexy! The point is, I'm getting what I want and it wasn't easy. Adapting and change and learning one another takes effort and conversation.
Valerie has been actively dating for a few years and in those same years I've been actively dating waiting for someone who never came back around and having fun with my minions in the meantime. So, I feel for her.. and want to help. I found something meaningful along the way and I'm utterly convinced she can to if she simply opens up the conversation instead of nit-picking things that can easily be taught or corrected.
So, while I ended up with a Bearded Woodsman who as of today smells like cedar and pine and Eucalyptus from his new beard oil that arrived in the mail a few days ago, she ended up on a date with Mr. Tesla Curry who may smell like Indian food but also has everything she's stated she's looking for. He's an ambitious CEO, makes the money she desires of an eligible suitor, has a family heritage she desires, and is in-tune emotionally with her needs. What more could a girl want? Perhaps a Christmas Tree air-freshener? Some Tumeric scented bath to join in the fun? A bottle of cologne to cover the scent?
I have to wonder why he smelled like curry but perhaps even though he's Indian, he had good reason. Maybe Mr. Tesla Curry went to visit his mother who was cooking a new dish all just to ask advice on what to do and not do on this date because he wanted to make a great impression? For the love... I mean, this man waited 2-years to ask her out! I think she should stop subconsciously waiting for an emotionally unavailable a*hole and instead talk to it through by going on a second date with this dude. I liked him. Not for the long-haul but because she was smiley and happy when she was with him. It was nice to see Valerie smiling instead of being in constant turmoil and conflict over some guy who is an emotional rollercoaster of toxic mess (who she happens to have great sex with).
Dating can be frustrating for everyone involved however, perhaps we all owe it to ourselves to be honest with one another and communicate?
Maybe Mr. Tesla Curry didn't like that she's already tall and was wearing heels making him even shorter? Maybe he didn't like her scent of perfume because his mom uses the same Bath & Body Works scent? One never knows...
Perhaps she could casually ask, "Hey, I noticed you smelled like Curry on our first date. Do you cook a lot?" Use it as an opener... not a closer. Just my thoughts. XoXo - I*V
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