Losing Faith & Respecting A Married Man

A follow-up to the post 'Losing Faith & Being a Mistress':

I don't want to be the younger version of who ever's wife.

I always wondered about Blue and why he turned me down after turning me on. Is he the only faithful married man left on the planet? I can only admire him for that. Which makes me want to love him even more.

[For your information Blue is someone I met years ago by cosmic coincidence. He was married at the time and I had just left my marriage. I totally fell in love with him. I looked up to him. He gave me hope in a time I had none and I spent years trying to talk myself out of being in love with him. That being said, he was married. Then got divorced. Then found someone new. Someone who...
drumroll.. is not me.]

I digress, Blue is just the distraction to conquering my dreams.
How do I conquer my dreams?  It would be easier if I had a guide.... you know... like a successful business man to help me, telling me what to do.

Isn't someone telling me what to do what got me into this mess? Isn't that what my ex husband did? Isn't he the same version (only less successful) of hoping someone had answers for my life? Was that not the biggest mistake ever? Maybe if someone were more loving and could help guide me that would be more in line with what I'm looking for.

I can do so many wonderful and amazing things but knowing how to put one foot in front of the other to get the the finish line in making my dreams come true is not one of them. Do I want romance or a business partner? I think I want both at this point.

When Blue was around I did everything to prove I'm a "can do" girl to him. Never surrender. Prove my worth. That serotonin love potion rush lasted 3 years ...  all from a kiss ... I felt even more invincible than leaving a sinister man. Indeed I am invincible. But, it works best when in competition. Even if it's with love interests.

Why do I do that? Why do I compete with men's wives?  ... With men's egos ? ... Am I finding myself or just finding trouble? It's intoxicating feeling in control and powerful for the first time in a very long time. I've never cross the lines, even when invited, but it's a thrill to be this girl after years of being told I'm useless ... worthless ... ugly.

How ugly and useless can I be if men want to take me and women want to be me?

Women who end up mistresses don't do this on purpose. It's just that when you go from being so low to being admired (or shown any attention at all really) it's easy to get sucked into a game of play pretend - even though most girls don't know that in a man's world being the mistress is indeed a pretend placement of belonging. I can't help blame men for this behavior. Had they been better husband's perhaps women wouldn't get such a rush and a fix from men who pay any attention to them at all. Women aren't always to blame for the emotional state their in. Even so, we do have our morals and wits about us. That separates the home-wreckers from the fantasy-makers. Although sometimes I wonder who I will become if I continue on this road of hurt and betrayal and being in love with a man I can not have.

For everything that came of finding who I am after an encounter with a perfect stranger, I'm still stuck. I hate that. I'm losing faith in learning my true colors. Who am I when I'm no longer thinking about who to be? Because who I was would certainly not entertain thoughts of a married man. I can't help but feel there are perks to the situation. Like unattachment. Romance. Gifts. Trinkets. No responsibility.

-I*V


(Originally posted 4/19/2014)