A Kitchen Wedding

So, it's time. Finally!  That pivotal moment in life when you get what you've been waiting for all along: A fairy-tale happy-ending.

It's finally happening!  And I know you're hating me right now but, don't. Because now that I have everything I want at my fingertips (including approval and the finances for all the decor and colors and custom designs) for my dream come true wedding... now I can't decide on a damn thing!  It's probably the biggest and most important decision a woman could ever make in her life and you would think after years of dreaming about it a girl would have everything she wants already picked out.  But, in the story of my life, it's just not that simple. This commitment of forever thing is sending me into 'panic-mode' and the bludgeoning question of: "did I make the right decision?"  "Yes, you! I choose you!" I say with certainty but suddenly, I'm getting cold feet.  I had this same problem when I got married.  Sigh...

Oh.. oh no!.. You thought I was getting married?... lol!  No, not at all.  I'm marrying my very first custom-designed kitchen!  Horray! Yes, I get to piece together everything I've ever wanted and rebuild this very important cornerstone of my house.  A kitchen is the most important part of making a house a home and I've been dreaming of this moment since the beginning of my marriage  - which ended three years ago.  CHEESE!

See, we say forever when it comes to men, however,
most men are easily replaceable and by wedding two or three we know what we want and most especially what we don't want.  Seriously though, how many times does a girl get to design her very own kitchen? That's if she even gets to design one at all.

Yes, a kitchen and a woman deserve this union more than anyone else.  Why?  Because this is where she will feed her children, sip wine with girlfriends, mend broken hearts, review her finances, look over her life, reflect on past relationships, and on occasion throw a man down on the granite counter-tops and completely take advantage of him before kicking him out of her ....kitchen.  (Yummmmy!)

Much like my wedding though I can't decide on a single damn thing.  Do I want black cabinets with white counter tops or white cabinets with black counter tops?  Do I want an island with marble slab and built-in shelving or a butcher block with an eat-in table and benches thrown underneath?  Do I want counter space or a new pantry?  Do I want to buy another house or redesign the one I'm in? Should I live in a tree?  ....Are zebras white with black stripes or black with white strips?  Will I start cooking in my kitchen if it looks pretty or is this all just psychological warfare tricking me into thinking I'm going to cook in my kitchen once I marry it?  Will this be like every other marriage where the foreplay is hot and the sex is on-demand right up until wedding vows are exchanged and the love affair fizzles...(about seven months after marriage :) Once you have what you want, you see less need to use it right? (I was married once.  I can say that :)  Yes, all the questions have come to mind and clearly I need to step away from this project because it's driving me batty.

Ever notice how much easier it is to plan someone else's wedding?  When it's yours suddenly even the size font on the monogrammed disposable napkins is important.  But, for someone else, who the f* cares?! They're disposable napkins!!!

If I were planning a kitchen for you, no problemo. Now, because it's mine, I am faced with the fear that one hiccup in planning could detonate a zombie apocalypse... and I refuse to eat breakfast with zombies!  REFUSE!  Who am I kidding?  My 9-year-old would think I'm the coolest mom ever if we ate breakfast with zombie friends. I'd then also be forced to play my part of hostess with the mostest and let zombies stay for dinner. Envisioning zombies at the table to please my 8 and 9 year old, I hear myself saying, "Mr. Zombie GUest, would you go wrap yourself accordingly? There's no blood allowed at the dinner table."

"But, I can't.... Mommmmmy," says the child-sized zombie.

"Can't what?"  I respond.

"Geez, Mom!" says the 9-year-old walking dead prodigy. "He said 'mummy' not mommy. Because mummies are wrapped up, not a zombies. Get it?!"

Sigh...I get it. I get it! Uhg!

Well f*! if there's going to be zombies and blood at the dinner table now I will have to use the last of my disposable 10 pt Helvetica font monogrammed napkins that actually lasted longer than my marriage did.

It's 1 a.m. I'm talking to myself (about hypothetical conversations with zombies nonetheless), and ripping out trillions of pictures of cabinets and furnishings.  This is only making things worse. The designer comes in the morning. I don't know what to tell him.  I'm spent!  As long as he can figure out a place for the coffee pot, I'm good.  I suppose I can just continue ordering Chinese food as I've been doing for the past three years because I HATE trying to cook in MY 1972 KITCHEN with factory cabinets covered in cream laminate!  How were those ever cool?!

So, is this going to be a day to remember or tens of thousands of dollars spent on a kitchen guru who can perfectly place my coffee pot?   ...  I want that job! (Oh wait! Arg!) ...

Why is this so important and why do I sound like a spoiled Jersey Shore girl meets the Real Housewives of Orange County (minus the husband - I win!) anyway?  Well, because...

The kitchen is the heart of every home and where most of your days are spent with the one's you love. Therefore, shouldn't it be purrrrfect?  I've beaten this horse to death and when I close my eyes all I see is design books and cabinets flipping through my mind in a slow motion instant replay. One would think that would help but, it doesn't because I like it all!

It's silly to design an entire kitchen around the decor but, I found these 'oh! so amazing' chandelier pendant lights which make me want to do black counter tops embedded with glitter (which is so classic and Marilyn Monroe) but then I think black will close in my 9 x 10 kitchen... and who wants a black kitchen anyway?  Ummm, oh yea, me..

Why is this turning into such a catastrophe?  Yes, I remember!  Because I am completely and utterly non-committal to the point of shut-down.  You know, that mode when there are too many choices so you pick nothing and go home empty-handed?   Yes, I'm the girl in the ice cream shop who will try every flavor, pick none of them, and walk out the door with all 24 little sample spoons as a memento of the night feeling completely full and satisfied (having spent absolutely nothing).  There's something wrong with me.  There's gotta be!

It's like shopping my men. I will date and peruse the merchandise and even play with them all for a while but when it comes time to take it home, unless I can get a refundable receipt (or know it's totally no good for me - like a double-fudge chocolate brownie covered in cream cheese icing drizzled with hot fudge and vanilla ice cream) I'm just not that interested.

However, planning a kitchen is wayyyyyyy more stressful than planning your wedding day.  Because unlike a wedding where you get to try on the coveted wedding gown that costs more than the entire wedding itself, you know what everything is gonna look like before you pay 30K for it.  Besides, if it doesn't work out you simply file for divorce at $146 dollars and call it a day.  But, a kitchen... now that's something spiritual and coveted.  It's something that can't just be erased or undone.  You will never forget the moment you feel you've transcended into bliss and arrived in heaven because every drawer is where you always wanted it. The spices go in a place specially made just for them because it's where spices should go.  Every cabinet in its perfect place.  And one can finally display the fine-china received on their wedding day but never used anyway. (After all, it was an amazing parting gift after the divorce was final! :)

What's a girl like me to do when she can't decide?

Unlike relationships where you must chose one or the other when its time to say "I do", I think I will simply break out a dish, or maybe two, and do what I've always done: Have my cake and eat it too.

In my "do-over life" after love gone wrong and children gone right, I get to have it all!  It will be a kitchen wedding to remember:  I will marry white cabinets with black counter tops on an island, and black counter tops with white Shenandoah cabinets along the kitchen shorelines, and somewhere in the mix I will throw in a butcher-block bouquet. Three distinctly contrasting personalities, one kitchen - a perfect blend... and the crowd goes wild.  Who says a girl can't have it all?

May all your dreams and happily-ever-afters come true... even if it's dreams of a kitchen made just for .. drumroll...YOU!


XoXo - I*V
(Originally Published June 2 2014)